Is That A Headcrab In Your Pocket?
by Pisces
Summary: Gordon and Barney set out on an epic journey to fix what they have wronged... and for headcrabs.
1. In Which Headcrabs Are Slain

_**Is That A Headcrab In Your Pocket? (Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?)**_

_Summary: Gordon and Barney set out on an epic journey to fix what they have wronged... and for headcrabs.  
__Rating: K+  
__Disclaimer: ©, Valve.  
__Chapter Name: In Which Headcrabs Are Slain  
__More Notes: Sorry if it's filled with much crack, the idea behind this just humors me greatly for some reason. Lamarr would never stand a chance against Freeman's highly advanced headcrab killing instincts._

Barney Calhoun flipped the wrench from hand to hand, absently shrugging his coat higher on his shoulders to help ward off the midwinter chill that clung in the concrete hallways of Black Mesa East. Humming a vague jaunty tune, Barney searched for one Gordon Freeman.

Once the events of City 17 had calmed down slightly, Freeman had easily found his niche in the close knit group ('Sometimes _too _close.' Barney thought with a snort.) that made theirs lives in Black Mesa East. Helpful, quiet and unobtrusive, Gordon had much to add and did little to disturb... usually.

After his last supply run, Freeman had returned with a large crate of pulse rifle ammo, an airboat that had gained a few more ticks and quite a bit more dings then it had on it's way out, and a rather traumatized civilian refugee. Gordon had quickly achieved a reputation among the denizens of Black Mesa East of driving any vehicle with a certain lack of personal safety that bordered on insane, as well as a bad habit of forgetting to warn his passengers to 'hold on'.

Barney was off to (ahem) 'recruit' Freeman into helping him tune up the airboat after the beating it had taken with the young theoretical physicist behind the wheel. If he could only find where he was.

He eventually found him (After checking the shooting range, the crowded living area with the mass of people huddled around a tiny space heater, Freeman's room, his own room, _Alyx's_ room (don't ask), and the vortigaunt cook. ("This one does not know the current whereabouts of the Freeman.")) holed up in one of the many laboratory rooms, wedged in a corner with a clear view of the only way in or out, nose buried in a thick stack of papers.

Gordon's head rose upon Barney's entrance, a faint smile forming across narrow features in recognition and greeting.

"You can be a hard man to find, Gordon." Barney made his way across the room to Gordon's side, glancing down to take a peek at his reading material. All he could make out was tiny text and some large words he doubted he would understand any better even if they weren't upside down. "Whatcha reading?"

"Fifteen years worth of backlogged science journals."

Barney snorted, leaning against a large box of stored computer parts and rubbing his thumb along the chilled metal of the wrench in his hand. "Sounds engrossing."

Gordon's blinked owlishly from behind thick lensed glasses. "Entanglement is _fascinating_."

"If you say so, Doc. Dr. Kleiner has been trying to tell me that for years. Oh, by the way," Barney watched with deliberately feigned disinterest as Gordon set aside his papers. "The civilian you brought back, Tom Bevil? We got him settling in nicely."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it seems he's gotten over that potentially life scarring event where you jumped full throttle over the side of the dam."

Gordon glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

"Without warning."

"Hm..."

"Damnit Doc, you _do_ know there are easier ways to get back here from City 17!"

Gordon let the pause hang, carefully straightening his papers before turning to face Barney directly. "No one's ever shown me."

"I-" Barney blinked. "Well, you got me there. Either way-"

Scuttling in the ventilation duct above their heads was the only warning they got before the grating flew into the room with a clatter, followed by something small and round with legs. Barney let out a startled yelp, fumbling for the pistol secured in the shoulder holster underneath his coat, tripping over loose boxes about his feet.

Freeman reacted faster, though. Sweeping up the metal bar that had been leaning near his side, he swung hard. His aim was as deadly accurate as usual. The bar connected with a meaty thud, sending the little thing slamming into the ground with surprising force. It rolled once, then laid still.

In the ensuing silence, they both came to realize that what had just been slain use to be a living headcrab.

Barney re-holstered his gun, struggling out of the clutter. "_Damn_, Gordon." He nudged the headcrab with the toe of his boot. "Well, it's dead alright. Gimme that- is that a crowbar?"

Freeman glanced down at the thing in his hand, then shrugged.

Barney grinned a bit. "It _is_ a crowbar! You carry a crowbar around with you when you go read boring science shit? What do ya expect to happen?"

The physicist cocked an eyebrow, and gave a slight head incline towards the headcrab.

Barney let out a short bark of laughter. "Fair enough. Lemme borrow your crowbar a minute. I want to check something out."

Handing it over, Gordon watched as Barney knelt beside the headcrab, using his newly acquired crowbar to carefully flip the small creature onto its back.

"It's Lamarr alright." Barney sighed.

Curiosity piqued, Freeman spoke up. "How do you know it's Lamarr?"

"See this?" The former security guard motioned at the gapping maw on the underside of the headcrab with the crowbar. "Its had its beaks removed. I've had this thing flying at my face enough times to know exactly what its suppose to look like. It's the Doc's pet head-humper alright." He sighed once more. "And I always wanted to be the one to kill the damn thing."

Gordon furrowed his brow, sniffing in the chilly air. "Then I'll just have to go inform Dr. Kleiner and apologize."

"What?!" Barney heaved himself to his feet, looking vaguely affronted. "You can't do that, the Doc _loved_ this stupid headcrab. His old heart couldn't take it."

"But, Barney... it _is_ dead."

"Yeeeah, that is a problem."

They both stared down at it.

"That settles it then!" Barney planted a fist on his hip, pointing the crowbar at Freeman with conviction. "We'll just have to go get him another one."

Gordon moved the crowbar to the side with fastidious fingers. "Another... headcrab?"

"Exactly. We'll go capture another, should be easy, there's a ton of them around, debeak it, and the Doc will never know the difference!"

"But-"

"No arguing with me about this, Gordon, it needs to be done. But first..." Barney poked at Lamarr's body again. "We have to get rid of the evidence."

Gordon sighed, using a thin hand to push his glasses into place. "Could I at least have my crowbar back?"

"What? Oh, yeah, sure." Moving to pass it back, Barney suddenly stopped, smirking full force at his bespectacled friend. "Wouldn't want you to loss this one as well and deprive you of your security blanket."

And Barney discovered that day that Freeman's glare could be surprisingly frightening.

_Next Up!  
__In Which Difficulties Are Discovered And (Mostly) Dealt With  
__Alyx thinks the boys are acting suspiciously, and will Barney survive Gordon's buggy driving in the snow?_


	2. In Which Difficulties Are Discovered

_**Is That A Headcrab In Your Pocket? (Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?)**_

_Summary: Gordon and Barney set out on an epic journey to fix what they have wronged... and for headcrabs.  
__Rating: K+  
__Disclaimer: ©, Valve.  
__Chapter Name: In Which Difficulties Are Discovered And (Mostly) Dealt With  
__More Notes: This story is actually a sort of test for me, to see if I can actually finish a multi-chapter story with a plot. Also... "There's nothing Gordon can't handle...with the possible exception of you." Alyx's crush manifests itself by way of defensive anger on an unexpecting Barney. And, oh my! Is that some actual _plot_ peeking in there?! Someone, get the spray! Kill it before it bogs down the crack!_

Alyx Vance leaned a shoulder against the door frame, watching the two men within the supply room in deep discussion with a cautious eye.

No... she had to take that back. She watched _Barney_ in deep discussion. Gordon was mostly just listening intently.

She had known Barney for a long time now, and liked to think she knew him rather well. As such, it was obvious to her that he was, well... Up To Something.

But Gordon, on the other hand...

In the short time that she had known him, she had learned that Gordon Freeman didn't bother hesitating, didn't bother discussing with others, and didn't bother waiting for backup, which, truthfully, tended to bother _her_ quite a bit.

But he also never did anything with any particular stealth, so all the covert hush-hush the two were displaying seemed strangely out of character.

Out of her hearing range, Barney gestured towards the weapon rack. Gordon nodded, and the men separated, with Barney heading to the ammunition stores and Gordon towards the nook where his HEV suit was stored.

Alyx eyed them both, before stepping into the room itself and making her way over near Freeman's side.

Both his shoes were already off and his shirt was soon to join the growing pile of clothing on the floor. He stopped at the last button, glanced up, and gave her his customary faint smile.

"Hiya Gordon." She planted her elbows on a supply crate, resting her chin in her laced hands. "I didn't think you were scheduled to go back out so soon. What's up?"

Gordon opened his mouth.

And then closed it.

There was a pause.

Gordon opened his mouth again, looking vaguely confused.

There was an even longer pause.

"...Barney says I'm not allowed to tell."

"Barney says-" Now it was Alyx's turn to be confused. "What do you mean, Barney says- Barney!"

The older man's salt-and-pepper head popped around a corner.

Alyx pushed off the box, stalking towards her acquired target. Gordon watched her go, nonplus, hands still lingering on the final fastened shirt button.

"What does he mean, you say he's not allowed to tell?!" She flung a hand back towards the quiet physicist, eyes flashing. "And what, exactly, is he not allowed to tell anyway?"

Barney blink. "I-"

"And who are you tell Gordon what he can and can't say?"

Barney shrank back, eyes wide, and shot a look at Gordon over Alyx's shoulder.

Gordon shrugged, and continued undressing.

With no help forthcoming, Barney scrambled to back the conversation up a few paces. "Hold _on_, Alyx. Jesus. I don't know what Gordon said, but I'm just taking him out to show him a few shortcuts to City 17 and back."

"Uh-huh." Alyx folder her arms across her chest.

"Come on, Alyx, don't be this way."

"And what way am I being... exactly?"

"Uh..."

Gordon tuned out the rest of their 'conversation', and instead zoned in on the sometimes arduous, but always surprising soothing, task of equipping his Hazardous Environment suit Mark V.

The orange was a bit worn from use, and the armored metal could use a good buffing, but it still fit perfect. Comfortable. Safe.

He fiddled with the mesh gloves a bit, wiggling his fingers, before pushing a small unobtrusive button on the inside of the thick right cuffing.

His wrist stung momentarily as the needle pierced his skin, but it didn't take long for the suit to integrate to his nervous system, and the familiar HUD flashed before his eyes.

Gordon quickly snatched up his own personal stash of weaponry, glancing in Barney's direction.

The man looked as if he was either drowning, or trapped in a burning building.

Gordon's small smile might have been a tad wider then usual as he, with only a proffered wave, walked out of the room, leaving his friend behind in the line of fire.

Barney watched him go with eyes akin to a whipped dog.

--

Outside was as cold as it had been all week.

Freeman sat in the driver's seat of his preferred buggy, staring blankly out across the white-covered field through the wide open garage door. The vehicle had been warming for a few minutes now, and Gordon had already checked the ammo in all the firearms he was bringing with him. Twice.

Around him, various vehicles sat silently in the large, dimly lit space. Snow tires had been placed on this buggy specifically in an almost fruitless attempt to make it more suitable for the weather. It probably still drove like shit. Gordon didn't particularly care.

Exhaust mingled with his own condensed breathes. He shivered slightly.

The suit, sensing his discomfort, turned the internal heating up a notch.

Footsteps from behind alerted him of Barney's presence. Gordon's hand twitched, but he forced himself not to go for the shotgun laying on the passenger seat.

"Way to leave me to the wolves, Gordon." Grin rueful, Barney stepped up beside the auburn-haired scientist, dropping his box of stuffs onto the concrete floor. He was decked out in his own, CP pilfered, protective gear, looking only marginally less warm then Gordon himself. "It took me forever to convince her I hadn't brainwashed you into running off and starting a family."

Freeman actually snorted, abit faintly.

"I got the trank guns, but I could only find one carton of darts for 'em." He crouched down and opened the box, taking out a tranquilizer gun and offering it to Freeman for inspection. "They appear to still be in good working order from the last time we used them, but I think that might have been..." He paused, counting under his breath. "...Maybe two? Two years ago."

Gordon nodded absently, bringing the new weapon to his shoulder and lining the sight up with something distant and unseen out towards the snowy field. "Are you sure the sedative itself is affective on headcrab biology?"

"Sure am." Barney stood with a soft groan. "That's actually what we were catching last time. Well, not _me_ specifically. Us, as a collective whole."

Freeman handed the dart gun back, and Barney stored it, as well as its matching partner and ammunition in the back with the rest of the small armory Gordon liked to carry around with him whenever he left the relative safety of Black Mesa East. He rounded the buggy and swung into the passenger seat, nudging the shotgun to the side with his thigh.

Once he was sure Barney was securely seated, Freeman threw the buggy into gear and floored the gas petal.

As they hit the half-foot deep snow, Barney was screaming, knuckles white underneath his gloves from his death grip upon one of the metal support beams. The tires spun once, then caught traction, and the buggy plunged forward without further incident.

"_Damnit_ Doc, what did I tell you about _warning_ people about this shit!" Barney took a few deep breaths, pinning his friend with an almost glare.

Snow flew up into buggy as they barreled past a large bush covered in the stuff. Freeman remained impassive, keeping his eyes glued ahead. "At least the tires seem to be working decently."

"_God."_ Barney rolled his eyes in exasperation.

Silence descended between the two for a moment, and it was, surprisingly enough, Gordon who broke it, raising his volume to be heard over the biting wind. "Where are we off to? Ravenholm?"

"Good as place as any. Couldn't have taken the old mine shaft from Black Mesa East cause we got motion sensors set up there, case any zombies happen to make it that far. Someone would notice." Barney licked his already chapping lips. "We'll have to take the old highway directly into Ravenholm. Keep heading across this field till we get to the road, then hang a left. It'll take us straight there."

Barney took Gordon's silence as an affirmation, and concentrated on not falling off.

The highway snuck up on them faster then either expected, what with it being covered in snow. A small ditch and the pathetic remains of a fence (also covered in snow) were the only warnings received. Gordon let up on the gas, jerking the wheel to the left, gritting his teeth as he fought to keep the buggy under control.

Surprisingly enough (to Barney, at least), they came out of it unharmed, facing the right direction, _and_ still moving. They slowly accelerated back up to their previous clip, ride noticeably smoother with the even terrain under their tires.

This time Barney didn't even bother reprimanding Freeman on his driving, and instead worked on breathing normally again.

But with the near unbroken expanse they had been traveling through, it didn't take long before Barney noticed something... out of place.

"Barney." Gordon carefully steered around a piece of random debris coming up in the distance. "There are tire tracks on this road."

"I know." Barney face was set grim, the lines on his face deepening.

The buggy sped past shapeless lumps that were most likely broken down cars, following beside the deep, wide tire grooves cut into the snow. "...Combine?"

Barney shook his head minutely. "I dunno. But... why? They've already destroyed Ravenholm, what more could they want from it?"

The corner of Freeman's eyes tightened, and he said nothing more.

--

Alyx stared out the open garage door, hands planted firmly on her hips, lips pursed.

At her side, Dog let out a low, inquisitive moan.

The young woman reached out absently, and patted her 'pet' on its large plated arm. "Dog? Would you mind following Gordon and Barney for me?"

Dog cocked his head, beeping.

Alyx glanced up, cracking a faint smile. "They'll be okay... I think. I just..." She gave the recently patted arm a quick hug. "Call it woman's intuition. I worry. Just... catch up with them. Keep them both safe."

Dog backed towards the garage opening, head bobbing.

Alyx's laugh was self-reproachful, waving the robot on. "Go on, go on. Keep my boys safe."

Dog let out one last chirp, before bounding off into the snow.

--

'Round about the time Dog set out on his appointed quest, the buggy was flying past a decrepit sign post set a few yards from the highway, half hidden by snow and barely hanging on. 'Welcome to Ravenholm!' it said, and underneath that, in sloppy black spray paint, was scrawled the words 'Population: Ass Load of Zombies'.

Welcome to Ravenholm, indeed.


End file.
